Is Conditional Love Negative?

Almost every version of Love portrayed in society, or the media is in one form or another conditional. Parents love their children because they are their children, not specifically because of the individuals they are and will eventually grow into. In romantic love, you choose your partner and agree to navigate the peaks and valleys of life together. However, should trust be betrayed, the love is lost.

It is first important to identify that love is more than simply a feeling. It is a choice. A choice to be patient and kind, to hold the ego at bay, to be compassionate and empathetic, and to honor truth. Love transcends mere human emotion; It endures while all else fails. Simply put, Love is a way to relate to another. The expression of love is what varies. Parent to child, husband to wife, sister to brother, friend to friend, stranger to stranger. Even within these pairings, the expression of love differs. 

Mismatched Love

A parent can believe they are loving their child in the best way, showering them with gifts but lack the real connection the child desires that a simple meaningful conversation can evoke. It doesn’t mean the parent doesn’t love the child, it is simply the only way the parent knows how to display their love.

However, this expression of love can be considered conditional. If the child responds negatively or is indifferent to the gift, the parent might consider the child to be ungrateful and may even feel rejected and unloved by the child. The end result is an adult being resentful of their parents for not giving them the love they needed.

A reminder that everyone views the world through their own lenses and each person’s filter is different. Whether their outlook makes logical sense to you or not, people are operating within their own bandwidths. Many simply do not have the capacity to see beyond themselves and their beliefs to recognize something different in another.

Many misunderstandings and complicated relationships are caused because one person’s expression of love is not compatible with another’s. That’s why attention and communication are important.

The best way to know how to love someone is for them to teach you. Society has taught that when you speak up about unhappy things in your relationship, you are nagging or complaining. In truth, you are just revolting against something that feels uncomfortable. It is important that your partner receives perspective with an open mind. You are not attacking or competing, merely expressing your frustration and indicating a need for change.

This example indicates the need for boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries that teach others how to treat and love you. If they are unable to respond encouragingly, a.k.a. not respecting the boundaries, then love cannot thrive. Boundaries can be also considered a condition of love.

Supported Love

So, is conditional love negative? Yes and no.

Yes, because if the only way you can truly love another is if they fit into your idea of what they should be; then you aren’t truly loving them. You love the idea of them, not the reality. You will not only be doing them a disservice but depriving yourself of what an authentic expression of love can be.

And no, because if your boundaries are being consistently disrespected then you aren’t experiencing a healthy expression of love. You are experiencing manipulation and control. At some point you will need to determine if this version of love is something worth sacrificing yourself for.

As always, courage is required. To relate to another with love is to allow them to be who they are and communicate without fear of manipulation. To be truly loved is for someone to afford you the same privilege. Do you have the courage to love and be loved authentically?